Word up, it’s Bean o’clock!
Gather around, grab a biscuit and a warm cup of milk.
Look at me, not only am I hijacking mum’s blog every so often, I haz actually been put in charge of real important bidness. Mum thinks it’s her responsibility to look after Actually Mummy’s linky thingy, but who’s she kidding? She can’t be trusted not to burn some Jamie Oliver fish fingers FFS, so obvs I’m micro-managing it for her, or else she could proper break the internets.
I won’t let the power go to my bed, don’t worry. I’ve only demanded my own desk, secretary (well, mum jacked up on caffeine) and a steady supply of babyccinos. Gotta have the essentials, right?
Anyways, on with the show.
Mum’s been getting all anxious and hyperventilatey cos I’ll be starting school in September, so she’s gone up a few neurotic gears in teaching me the alphabet, what they sound like and how to write them down and stuffs.
If only she knew.
It’s well tedious. And since when do we use the word Xylophone for X? Last time I checked, mummy called it STOP WHACKING THAT TRUCKING THING ON MY FACE, IT’S 4AM, GO BACK TO BED!
Some people just don’t appreciate genius when it hits them in the face.
Being the über helpful, upstanding Bean that I quite obviously am, I thought I’d help you, dear little ones, with your ABC’s. Ya know, give ’em more memorable names to help you master those bad boy letters… Grab your crayons and something to make notes in, I like to use mummy’s address book for this as it already has all the letters in there. Bonus.
Right, quiet in my classroom, and stop hiding your bogies under the table, there’ll be plenty of time for that later.
A is for “It was an accident Mummy, those posh biscuits of yours JUST FELL INTO MY FACE.”
B is for Bean – your handsome, debonair, future tyrant and modest leader. Obvs.
C is for Candy Crush, or as mummy calls it “I’M WORKING.”
D is for “DON’T DO THAT!” which of course means, DO do that.
E is for E numbers. Mummy kryptonite. E ISN’T EVEN A NUMBER FFS.
F is for 4am, the time any children worth their sugar gets up in the morning.
G is for Google. I used to think mummy knew EVERYTHING, then I realised her secret. Never forget this and keep it as future blackmail material.
H is for hats. To make the grannies swoon and buy you chocolate buttons, nothing works better than a good hat. See below. THEY CANNOT HELP THEMSELVES, they are POWERLESS.
I is for the breakfast of true champions – ice cream.
J is for JUMP ON MUMMY’S HEAD. JUMP ON MUMMY’S BACK. Just… Well, jump on mummy TBH.
K is for ketchup. No meal is worth entertaining without it. Including ice cream.
L is for lost. Losing mummy’s phone. Losing mummy’s keys. Losing the cat. Losing all of mummy’s bras. I’M LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE – I know I’ve done something extra impressive when mum says this one.
M is for messy play, in other words playing with mum’s make up, really get stuck in there.
to be continued….
I’ll help you lot of with the other half next week, that’s more than enough concentration used up for one day. If you have anything speshally hilaire to share with the group, bung your name and URL in the thingy below.
Love and peas,
Bean x
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